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The Side Effects Of Loving Food

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I’d never had heartburn or indigestion until I was pregnant with my first daughter. I had it pretty much for the entire second half of my pregnancy with her and it wasn’t much fun. I drank gallons of milk, Gaviscon and chewed tablets to help. The worst part was that it seemed to kick in as soon as I settled down to sleep at night. Grr. Also with heartburn during pregnancy it’s not just caused by certain foods it’s caused by everything. I could eat just toast and cereal and I would still get it.

In between my first pregnancy and second pregnancy I had no problems at all and then bang 3 months into being pregnant with Chloe there it was. Ouch.

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This time around its stuck though. I still get heartburn although thankfully nowhere near as bad as during pregnancy but I now seem to get indigestion too. If you aren’t sure of the differences between heartburn and indigestion pain then read on:

Heartburn:

The symptoms of heartburn (acid reflux) are generally described as a kind of tightening or burning sensation in the back of the throat and chest area
Some people also experience a bitter or acidic taste in the back of the throat

Indigestion:

With indigestion, pain may be felt in the chest or top of the stomach
However many people complain of feeling ‘bloated’ or uncomfortably full and gaseous – needing to burp, belch or pass wind a lot
There may also be nausea or vomiting and a loss of appetite.
If you are not sure which you are suffering from, see how you feel if you lie down or bend over. If this seems to make symptoms worse it is more likely that you have heartburn.

I’m guessing my love of spicy and rich food is to blame but has anybody else found this kind of change after having children? To me it’s just another of the massive differences in my body after two natural but stressful periods of time.

Can’t see me giving up my love of food anytime soon..

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Also note to the first time pregnant mums.. Heartburn definitely doesn’t mean a baby with a head full of hair. Izzy was practically bald until she turned 2yrs old.

*This post is in association with Gaviscon.

A Family of Four.. And No More.

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Over the past four years a lot has happened. Massively important, life changing moments such as moving in with my OH. Finding out I was pregnant on Izzy ( big shock ) Giving birth to Izzy. Watching her grow, walk, talk. Deciding to try for another baby. Finding out I was pregnant with Chloe. Giving birth to her. Watching her start to grow. Loving, living, crying, laughing.

We have also made some pretty huge decisions. Decisions which affect us and our family.

Our biggest decision is to say no more. No more babies.

My last pregnancy was one very long, very hard bundle of stress, illness, anger, frustration and sadness.

Of course it ended with our beautiful daughter and we are so incredibly happy with our girls.

I know I can’t do it again.

Pregnancy is hard, for nearly every person I know. It’s rare that someone tells me that their pregnancy was stress free. Carrying another life literally within your body is rarely easy but whilst I could never tell you that I enjoyed pregnancy as that would be a lie there is something magical about it all.

Of seeing that test turn positive after many negatives.

Of heavy breasts and shiny hair.

Of feeling a bond with someone whose face you haven’t seen yet.

Of feeling a kick for the very first time.

Or a somersault.

Hearing the heartbeat, that familiar wowwowowwow.

Seeing your baby move in a scan with your heart in your mouth and an overfull bladder.

Thinking of names.

Picking out clothes.

Seeing your body grow in the most marvellous of ways.

Of giving birth, as awful as it was – that moment when they are just there.

That first look.

The first time they latch on to feed.

The hours watching them sleep.

The hours you need to sleep and they need to feed.

Of adorable outfits and little white hats.

Of swaddling and rocking and very first baths.

So whilst I know in every essence of my being that I can’t do it again. To myself. To my family. It was just too much.

I will admit that my heart aches a little to know that I won’t feel that again.

I don’t dwell on it for long.

My life is miraculous. As all lives are. I have two priceless children to always hold in my heart. I have many, many firsts to experience with them and one day a long time in the future I will hold their babies in my arms.

I lie here watching my girls together, happy, healthy and blessed to have each other.

How lucky we are.

I AM HAPPY. REPEAT AFTER ME.

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Last year on International Happiness Day we were waiting for a second scan of Chloe as our first scan following the first of many bleeds had been too early to show a heartbeat. The sonographer and midwife hadn’t seemed particularly hopeful and we had a week of being in limbo. I was most definitely not happy that day.

This year 12 months on I am sat with my 17week old baby suckling at my breast. Every now and again she stops to look at me and smile. My 2.5yr old runs around occasionally bringing a toy to show me or just to say something completely random. Sometimes she just wants to kiss Chloe or hug me. My OH is in the shed making me boxes for my pantry. This is happiness. I’m in love, head over heels in love with my family. Happiness for me is love. Or love is happiness. Whatever way you look at it.

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I won’t pretend to be smiling all day long. Because that would most certainly be a lie. I still feel down a lot, I still get scared a lot. I’m starting some therapy for Post Traumatic Stress in April and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. BUT. And this is a big BUT. I feel happy on many occasions throughout the day.

Like when Izzy tells me she is “Two weeks” to reach a certain toy. Or when I ask her a question and she pauses thoughtfully and says “let me see..”

Or when Chloe finds such joy in her own two feet or the first smile we get when she wakes in the morning.

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When Andrew leaves me in bed to have a lie in as he knows I’m exhausted.

When my parents invite us over for food and spoil us in the little ways that only parents can.

When we have a teddy bears picnic in the woods.

When I try a new recipe and its delicious.

When I manage to watch 30 minutes of uninterrupted Greys Anatomy.

When I write a blog post which means a lot to me.

Baking with Izzy.

Cuddles with my family.

When someone tells me they like my blog. Be it a brand, a fellow blogger, a friend or just a new reader.

When Izzy says ooooh in delight at her lunch..

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When the postman brings me chocolates.

I may still have nightmares and get anxious and find being a mum of two incredibly hard but at least once a day I feel happy. Not everyone has that.

Maybe today you will see all the tweets and inspirational quotes about International Happiness Day and feel resentful and I do hope this day isn’t hard on any of you. Try and take a minute and think. Maybe you won’t beam with joy all day but if at some point you have to smile because of a particularly good cup of coffee or a comment from a stranger, a silly sentence from your child or just the feeling of being loved then embrace it. Be happy if just for a moment.

Where does the time go?

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After what seemed like the longest pregnancy on earth I cannot believe how quickly this past month has gone. Chloe is one month old already. Kind of scary.

On the day she was born:

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She feels like such a a huge part of our family that its strange to think of a time when she wasn’t here.

So what can I tell you about her first month?

She looks …still a lot like her sister but you can see her own little character starting to show through.

She weighs ..a whopping 9lb4oz. She started at 7lb8oz so she is doing pretty well.

She feeds.. A lot! Some days it feels like she barely leaves my breast but she has started to go for longer stretches during the night which is helpful. She cluster feeds mostly during the evenings and it can be very tiring but she will then sleep for 4 (once even 5) hours when she goes to bed which is a relief. I know this may not continue so enjoying it while it lasts.

She sleeps..still a fair portion of the day. She will have about 2 hours in the morning after waking at 8ish then she will have some awake time before a really long nap from 2.30-5ish and then she will feed and have very short naps up until 10/11pm before staying to settle ready for a longer sleep.

She wears..still some newborn and some 0-3 depending on the brand. She has some really cute outfits:

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She loves..being held up high on your shoulder or tucked down a tight top. Even when not feeding she likes to spend hours close to my chest just staring at her food source. Cuddles with Iz in the morning.

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She loves her bouncer and being snuggled in blankets. She absolutely loves her baths with me and Izzy. She likes her sling and her wrap and cosied up on her Daddy’s lap.

She hates..when she first goes in her car seat. Having to wait more than once minute for food and being stripped to be weighed. Being rudely awoken by her big sis wanting to play. Being winded late at night when she’s tired and grouchy.

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I love when she is so very full after a feed with milk on her cheeks and a dazed look in her eyes:

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We are all utterly besotted with her. We are so very lucky.

Recovering from pregnancy and birth

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I had sickness throughout my entire fist pregnancy even during labour but other than that I was pretty well. After giving birth I was sore (obviously) but within a few weeks I felt brighter (although tired) and I got back to normal fairy quickly.

This time pregnancy was difficult and I had lots of hospital visits,courses of antibiotics as well as stress and tiredness. My labour was not how I imagined it would be and fairly traumatic and it all took its toll. Four weeks on and I still feel a bit of a mess. My community midwife stated (very accurately) that my body is a wreck. I’ve had Mastitis, throat infections ..a stomach bug (Norovirus) and my stitches from giving birth aren’t healing properly all in the past 4 weeks..add to that the tiredness and cluster feeding of a newborn and I’ve felt a bit sorry for myself. I still do in fact. Sorry about that.

I expected to feel so much better post pregnancy that this feeling of being constantly ill is hard.

Nobody really talks to you about how you will feel after the baby arrives. Oh yes they laugh and warn you that you will get no sleep but nobody tells you how to cope when your baby will not stop feeding even though its making her sick and your nipples feel like they are on fire. Nobody tells you that huge lumps can appear under your armpits or in your breasts and that they are simply blocked ducts. Who explains how long post partum bleeding will last or what amount is normal? Nobody really says why some days you feel so sad and just want to sit and cry even though you love your baby and are so happy they are there. Nobody warns you that you may completely lose your appetite and that it can be a sign of postnatal depression.

In fact all most people want to talk about is the labour – which I really don’t want to talk about or how much your baby sleeps (not a lot) or how beautiful your baby is – this is true she is indeed beautiful.

Luckily we have so much online support these days. Forums on baby centre and mumsnet where you will nearly always find a thread written by someone with the exact same issue you are experiencing. Articles written by professionals on what to expect post delivery. Masses of support and friendship from fellow mums on Twitter and via blogs – people who you have never met and maybe never will but to whom you will always be thankful. The ones who know how you feel and don’t say cheer up as if you could possibly change your emotions so easily. I have been so lucky with both the online friends and my family and partner. My partner is so supportive and I’m well aware it has been far from an easy year for him also and my mum who has been incredible. There are others of course..my partners family and my siblings have been great too.

I’ve got all this support and I’ve still found it so difficult. How do single parents cope? Or parents with no family to support them. You need people at this time.

If you have a friend or family member who has recently given birth and you want to help them do one of the following and it will always be appreciated:

Take them a hot meal or if you don’t like to cook grab one of those dine in for £10 deals. Easy for you but such a help for them.

Offer to do some laundry.

Take their other child/children out for an hour to the park or soft play.

Sit with them, talk, make tea and eat chocolate.

Pick up some shopping

Hold the baby while they nap or eat or bathe

These may seem like such little things but they are the things which can make a huge difference and for us they have.

I will never lie to anyone and tell them that giving birth and having a newborn is easy because it isn’t but you know what makes every day better and everything worthwhile ….this:

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Birth – a beautiful experience?

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Giving birth is amazing right? Natural.. Incredible.. One of those days you will remember all of your life.

What if it isn’t a blissful..happy day? What if you hated it?

What if you didn’t feel like “you could go back and do it again in a second”?

What if following the birth instead of elated you felt petrified? Scared to close your eyes because of flashbacks and utterly traumatised?

It’s hard to admit feeling that way.

I really really struggled with whether to write this blog post and its not going to be my birth story or the sharing of any gory details as in my head I’m still not ready to rethink it all and well there are some things that I don’t need to share on here but I am writing it because I am SURE that I am not the only one who has felt this way.

My pregnancy was hard and far from straightforward. I was anxious and stressed..tired and worn down before I even reached the week of my labour. My labour didn’t start spontaneously and I was in hospital for four days prior to giving birth. I missed my daughter. Everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong. Every little delay that could have occurred did. My body did not seem to want to take that big step towards active labour and instead I contracted for days getting more and more exhausted and sad. Yes sad. I was incredibly sad. All day long but especially when members of my family left the hospital. I felt so alone and I really started to feel scared. By day 3 I was spending most of my days in tears.

By the time I gave birth I couldn’t have felt less physically or emotionally ready for the experience and I really felt (still feel in a way) as though I let myself down. Not that I did anything wrong. I somehow managed to deliver with just a little gas & air (I wish I had had more pain relief in a way) and did everything I needed to do but I was a mess. I was far from the strong woman who gave birth to Izzy two years ago and in my head I just felt out of control.

As I said this isn’t a birth story so I won’t go into more detail but it was without a doubt the hardest day of my life.

Talking about it is hard but writing this feels strangely therapeutic.

The night after giving birth the midwife who delivered our wonderful daughter came to chat to me. A very lovely midwife who was looking after me on the ward could see I wasn’t coping with how I felt about the labour and so asked her to come to see me. And it helped. She reassured me about the things I felt went wrong, was just generally lovely to me and explained about how traumatic my labour had been. Talking to her made me feel as though the way I was now feeling was not weird but similar to how anyone can feel after experiencing a traumatic event. I’ve now discussed meeting to chat to someone (arranged via the hospital) who deals with after birth thoughts/counselling and I think it will help again.

I still feel anxious and as if something really bad happened – however the fact is something truly wonderful also occurred and that is that our second amazing daughter arrived and she is healthy..happy and has barely moved from my chest since that moment.

birth trauma

I’m sure I will write more on this subject but for now I will just say that if you feel this way after your childs birth don’t try to bury it or hide the way you feel as it will only make things worse. Talk to someone and accept that unfortunately for some birth is harder than expected.

When will I reach the summit?

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Imagine climbing a mountain and every time you reached what you imagined was the top you found there was another peak to overcome. Imagine how tired you would feel and how at times you would just want to give up.

Other people would tell you it’s just another climb or you can do it ….but really only you know how hard that climb is.

That’s what my pregnancy has felt like – a series of climbs with no resting valley in between. What has kept me going is knowing what the view from the top of that final peak will be like.

Even now so close to the end there are still a number of steps to climb but I know I can do it.

Within the next 24-48 hours I should reach the summit. Finally.

Can’t wait to meet our precious girl.

Due Date Update

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I won’t keep you long as I’m tired but yes it’s my due date and yes baby is still safely tucked up in my belly. She’s obviously comfy and warm and knows that snow is expected next week so wants to stay put. I can’t say I blame her really.

So yes full term..this week has been interesting. I’ve had a million am I, aren’t I moments but all came to nothing ..obviously.

Yesterday I had a stretch n sweep.. That’s not some new fitness/cleaning craze but a lovely little sweep of the cervix by my luckily very gentle midwife. It’s far from pleasant but its not painful as such just a bit well not nice and I’ve got to have another one on Monday and then Wednesday.. Argh. Unless baby comes .. Please baby girl.

I’ve tried all the methods of natural induction and they don’t work.. I think they only actually work when baby is completely ready to arrive.

Hot curry just burnt my mouth and made me sneeze.. Pineapple made my tongue sore and clary sage oil makes me incredibly relaxed but that’s about it.

I feel rather over stretched in the belly department but I don’t feel too huge everywhere else right now. My family and friends are being ever so nice to me and I’m being a lot less grumpy in return.

I’m still worried about lots of things but I’m trying to chill.

Last update? I really hope so.

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Wishing time away…

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After spending a good chunk of this pregnancy expecting baby to arrive early and hoping that she wouldn’t it now feels rather strange that I am almost officially classed as term (37wks on Friday although by my dates I am actually 37 &4 today) and baby is still safely tucked up inside. How amazing is that?

As amazing as it is and believe me I am thrilled that we lasted this long it does now feel like we have even waiting for our baby FOREVER. Every single day I wake thinking will it be today and every twinge is possible labour pain. It’s a nightmare. In theory I am more than happy to wait until baby is ready to arrive as I want her to be as healthy and strong as can be but I am finding it so frustrating. I didn’t feel like this last time at all in fact when my waters went at 37wks just before a trip to the supermarket it was such a shock that I didn’t have time to think of anything.

Last Thursday my midwife informed me I’m 3/5 engaged and she would be surprised if I made my next appointment and I have to admit I was quite excited. The last few weeks have been so sore and uncomfortable that I was done I guess. However Mother Nature thinks differently and so does my baby apparently. I don’t actually feel like she will be here in the next few days and now I realise it was a good thing. Izzy is really not well..she had a week of us knowing something was brewing and then over the weekend turned into a horrible cold which is now a cough and a wheeze too. We were woken at 5am today by a lovely outpouring of vomit over our freshly changed bedding and right now I’m sat on the sofa with her watching Shrek and having cuddles. If I had been in hospital when she was ill I would have felt terrible and if I’d had a teeny newborn here I would have been so worried about her becoming ill as well so its all for the best.

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My baby girl will arrive when she’s good and ready and I will spend the time waiting with my other (slightly bigger) baby girl, making sure she gets better and has all the attention she needs.

Sorry baby for wanting you here so badly. I guess I just want to see for myself that you are just fine.

Until you are ready I will try to stop being so cranky and moaning about any pain..after all this is my final pregnancy I should …ahem try to enjoy it right?

So close

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It’s getting so close
The day we will meet
I can’t wait to see your cute
Hands and your feet
To feel your heart beating
Next to mine
To see you breathing
To know that you’re fine
Cant wait to inhale your baby smell
To know for sure that everything is well
Can’t wait to see your sister
Give you a hug
The thought of it alone gives
My heart a little tug
I wonder when it will be
I wish you could tell me
Tomorrow.. Today?
I wish there was a way
But I know it is soon
And it’s even full moon?
I’m sure it will be when I least expect
I love you already
I just haven’t met you yet.