Last year on International Happiness Day we were waiting for a second scan of Chloe as our first scan following the first of many bleeds had been too early to show a heartbeat. The sonographer and midwife hadn’t seemed particularly hopeful and we had a week of being in limbo. I was most definitely not happy that day.
This year 12 months on I am sat with my 17week old baby suckling at my breast. Every now and again she stops to look at me and smile. My 2.5yr old runs around occasionally bringing a toy to show me or just to say something completely random. Sometimes she just wants to kiss Chloe or hug me. My OH is in the shed making me boxes for my pantry. This is happiness. I’m in love, head over heels in love with my family. Happiness for me is love. Or love is happiness. Whatever way you look at it.
I won’t pretend to be smiling all day long. Because that would most certainly be a lie. I still feel down a lot, I still get scared a lot. I’m starting some therapy for Post Traumatic Stress in April and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. BUT. And this is a big BUT. I feel happy on many occasions throughout the day.
Like when Izzy tells me she is “Two weeks” to reach a certain toy. Or when I ask her a question and she pauses thoughtfully and says “let me see..”
Or when Chloe finds such joy in her own two feet or the first smile we get when she wakes in the morning.
When Andrew leaves me in bed to have a lie in as he knows I’m exhausted.
When my parents invite us over for food and spoil us in the little ways that only parents can.
When we have a teddy bears picnic in the woods.
When I try a new recipe and its delicious.
When I manage to watch 30 minutes of uninterrupted Greys Anatomy.
When I write a blog post which means a lot to me.
Baking with Izzy.
Cuddles with my family.
When someone tells me they like my blog. Be it a brand, a fellow blogger, a friend or just a new reader.
When Izzy says ooooh in delight at her lunch..
When the postman brings me chocolates.
I may still have nightmares and get anxious and find being a mum of two incredibly hard but at least once a day I feel happy. Not everyone has that.
Maybe today you will see all the tweets and inspirational quotes about International Happiness Day and feel resentful and I do hope this day isn’t hard on any of you. Try and take a minute and think. Maybe you won’t beam with joy all day but if at some point you have to smile because of a particularly good cup of coffee or a comment from a stranger, a silly sentence from your child or just the feeling of being loved then embrace it. Be happy if just for a moment.