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The Week That Was…

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This morning I was going to share a recipe with you.. For a Baileys Cream Pie. BUT we haven’t yet tasted it and although it looks incredibly good I can’t share it until I’m sure it tastes great too. So that will be up tomorrow. Today I’m just going to tell you about my week in food and family.

It’s been a difficult week. Andrew was away for four days and I underestimated just how much I would miss him being around. The girls were typically feeling a bit lost without him ( much like me ) and were whiny, clingy and generally hard work. Izzy had a meltdown in school and Chloe just would not sleep. Luckily I did have help from my family but I don’t want to repeat that anytime soon. It’s just ten days now until Chloe goes into hospital for some investigative procedures and if I’m honest I’m pretty worried about it. She seems to be in a great deal of pain nearly every night and it’s not pleasant to see. Hopefully something which can be easily fixed will show when investigated and she can start to be a normal, happy toddler again.

Despite this there were brief moments of pleasure and accomplishment, moments where I watched my girls and how close they have become and couldn’t help but smile. Listening to Chloe master new words ..and dance moves. Creating new dishes..including this incredibly simple one ingredient Peanut Butter:

Vitamix, peanut butter

Watching Izzy cuddle a rather unresponsive Chloe:

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And Izzy experimenting with new hair styles whilst playing over Nannas:

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Eating a pastry fresh out of the oven at our local coffee shop:

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Seriously savouring Chloe’s afternoon nap:

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Finding these beauties for a bargainous 99p:

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Totally encouraging Chloe’s Frozen obsession so that I could drink a hot drink whilst still hot and then having to go and give her a little squeeze because her face just lights up when the songs come on:

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Receiving some fantastic post including this box of goodies from Degustabox which included goodies from Kinder, Schwartz, Nandos, Cookies Bakery, IdrinQ, Barry’s Tea, Veetee, Cirio, Wonjo, Kingfisher and Scheckters..it was quite a box this month:

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Making Dark Chocolate Baileys Fudge:

Baileys fudge

And Blondies..

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As well as the afore mentioned Baileys Cream Pie:

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And finally this morning seeing these two having sleepy morning snuggles on the giant bazaar bag we recently received from Beanbag Bazaar which is AWESOME:

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And so although we are all incredibly tired today, Izzy has a chest infection and her asthmatic wheeze is back with a vengeance which sucks and Chloe didn’t sleep AGAIN I am trying to look at the things which were good about this week and looking back there were definitely a few things.

How was your week?

Being A Mother And A Daughter

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With Mothering Sunday approaching I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about being both a mother.

There are lots of things that you don’t understand about your mum until you become one yourself. I remember so many occasions during my teenage years hearing my mum saying “One day you will be a mum, then you’ll understand” At the time the idea of being a parent was so alien to me that I kind of laughed it off and went on doing whatever I was doing that worried her so. I didn’t do anything extreme but just the typical teenage rebellion I guess – staying out too late, not tidying my room or shouting back at her when she made a not really unreasonable request for me to help with dishes or do my homework etc. I remember not really understanding my mother or why she seemed to worry all the time.

15 or so years later, I’m a mum of two. Yet I still feel like that 15 year old girl at times even more so now these past few months. I need my mum. I want my mum. I depend on her more now than I did back then or so it seems.

Yet is that fair? I think before I had children I imagined that to be a parent was to teach your child all the right things, be there for them, support them and when they became an adult and certainly when they became parents themselves they would stand on their own two feet and then it would be time for you to relax. To enjoy being grandparents. To stop the worrying.

But it doesn’t stop, does it?

The worry. The love. The joy. The sadness. The stress. It’s permanent. Which is a wonderful and slightly torturous thing.

I know that these past few years I have caused my parents more stress, more worry than in the previous 25. At a time in my life when I should be riding freely on my bike I still very much have the stabilisers on with a parent holding my back and promising not to let go.

I feel guilty because of this. When will my mum get a break? When will she have a time with no more to worry about than booking a seaside break at her favourite hotel?

But that’s not the deal.

The deal you make when you decide to become a parent. You enter into that deal with the knowledge that it’s forever. I know now that perhaps even when my girls are aged 38 and 40 years old they may be causing me more upset, more worry and need more from me than they do right in this very minute. I have accepted that. I certainly hope they are allowing us more sleep.

It’s a strange step, moving from being just a daughter to also having daughters and perhaps it will seem odd when I tell you that nearly 4 years later it’s still only just about sinking in.

The enormity of it all.

I am their mum forever.

They are my daughters forever.

I am a daughter forever.

She is my mum forever.

Mammy, mummy, mam, mum, mamaaaaa, mammmyyyyyyyyy. Mother.

I can’t imagine a day in my life when I won’t feel the need to pick up the phone and tell my mum something. I am so completely and utterly lucky to have her in my life. For our daughters to have her as a Nana. For those that are without their mums this Mothering Sunday, I am thinking of you. The greatest gift I will have this weekend is a hug from our girls and another from the strongest and most amazing woman that I know.

Thank you Mam. On these day when I doubt everything in my life, when I feel as though my children are suffering because of my illness or as though I don’t do enough for them. You remind me that I do. My children are my world. I’m not a rubbish mum. Even if just for this moment in time I know that – I know that it’s because of you.

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I’m Your Mother..Not Your Friend

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Recently my eldest daughter has started to push my buttons a little more than usual. She has had an awful cold/cough and it’s made her properly miserable and not exactly a joy to be around. For a few days I let her sulk and whine and play up as I felt sorry for her – she was ill after all. But as she (slowly) got better I found my fun loving, generous toddler had a very naughty streak. It’s probably not very naughty to most people but to me it is.

We have started having to be stricter with the ways we discipline her, for her sake and for ours. I don’t want a rude, disobedient child and for her she needs consistency so as to avoid confusion.

One example of this is Peppa Pig. Have you watched many of the episodes?

Peppa is quite rude. She says the word boring in nearly every episode. Usually in response to something her mum has suggested that they do or somewhere they should go. Izzy is a bit in love with old PP, ( it’s the only programme she will watch and completely get lost in it) and quickly began repeating it. If I offered her food… It was boring. If I suggested we go see someone.. They were boring. You get the picture. Slightly funny initially then wanting to tear my hair out frustrating very shortly after.

So we have stopped her watching it. For now. To some this may seem extreme but it’s been three days now and her use of the B word has reduced from 10-15 times per hour to about 5 times a day. She understands it’s rude to say it about everything and is learning that when you are naughty there are consequences.

I won’t stop it forever I promise you. She loves her too much for that. In fact we are going to see the theatre show in June but it’s never too early for her to learn that you can’t do everything you see on TV. Also limiting TV time is never a bad thing.

I’ve also noticed she (PP) will often say about her Dads tummy being too big etc.. Another thing I really don’t want Izzy to start saying to people. Weight issues are a conversation I don’t want to start just yet. She’s not even 3!

This last few weeks has made me think about something my mum said to me a while back which is that when parenting young children that you have to remember to be their mother .. Not their friend. I’m sure I’m not the only person guilty of wanting to be their child’s favourite person?

After having quite a few months last year of not being able to do as much with Izzy as I could due to the pregnancy etc I felt pretty guilty that our relationship was changing and maybe it did but I’ve started to understand it will continue to do that. One minute I am in Izzys words “brilliant” and she “loves me soooooo much” and other days I am brushed aside for no reason.

She is a person just like me, who has good days and bad days. Some days I will annoy her ( like she annoys me) and some days well I will be the worlds coolest mum ( in her eyes at least).

I mean we all have days like this right?

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My relationship with my own mum has changed many times over the years. I’ve always loved her (of course) but in my teens we definitely rubbed each other up the wrong way on many occasions. A combination of me being a pain and rebellious and my mum having some pretty awful mood swings, health issues and depression because of that. Fast forward to now and maybe I’m not supposed to but I will say that I think of my mum as a friend. She is a wonderful mother first and foremost but if something happens I immediately want to share it with her – like you would with your friend but if anything goes wrong I want to lean on her like you would with a parent.

That’s how I want to be with my daughters. A mother now when it is most important. Supportive, loving but firm. And later on well it would be great if they saw me as a friend too.

It’s only now looking back that I realise how great my parents were at their most important job – raising me and my siblings. It takes becoming a parent to know how hard it is from the most basic of decisions to the sleep deprivation and day to day life.

Lots To Look Forward To..

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It’s been a while since I wrote on here about how I’m feeling. The past 18 months have been very up and down and unfortunately at times a lot more down than up. BUT finally I’m starting to feel as if there will be more ups.

I have a totally gorgeous family.

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Who apart from a really horrible lingering virus over the past fortnight are healthy and happy.

Who make my days full of laughter and love. And the occasionally wanting to pull my hair period of frustration..but that’s normal right?

A baby who has a contented,calm personality and who manages to charm everyone she meets… She also bites my nipples (ouch) but I’ll forgive that.

A toddler who literally makes me laugh out loud at least several times a day. She also has found a new favourite word “boring” and I cannot tell you how much this annoys me.

A man who has been so incredibly supportive and is always full of bright ideas for our future. He can drive me crazy on occasion but for the most part he’s pretty brilliant. He also makes pretty epic ice cream.

I’ve still got 6 months left of maternity leave ( which includes a lot of budgeting and thrifty ways but we have managed it and I’m so thankful for this extra time at home with my girls). We have lots planned for this 6 months including at least three festivals, a trip to Cornwall next week to review a beautiful hotel. A blogging conference, The BBC Good Food shows and the possibility of starting some new work freelance at home doing something that I love… Which will hopefully mean I won’t have to work full time at my boring sensible job. Yay.

So a lot to be thankful for.

You can’t always dwell on the past. The future is so much more interesting.

This year will be what we make of it. And we have big plans.

Excited.

A Family of Four.. And No More.

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Over the past four years a lot has happened. Massively important, life changing moments such as moving in with my OH. Finding out I was pregnant on Izzy ( big shock ) Giving birth to Izzy. Watching her grow, walk, talk. Deciding to try for another baby. Finding out I was pregnant with Chloe. Giving birth to her. Watching her start to grow. Loving, living, crying, laughing.

We have also made some pretty huge decisions. Decisions which affect us and our family.

Our biggest decision is to say no more. No more babies.

My last pregnancy was one very long, very hard bundle of stress, illness, anger, frustration and sadness.

Of course it ended with our beautiful daughter and we are so incredibly happy with our girls.

I know I can’t do it again.

Pregnancy is hard, for nearly every person I know. It’s rare that someone tells me that their pregnancy was stress free. Carrying another life literally within your body is rarely easy but whilst I could never tell you that I enjoyed pregnancy as that would be a lie there is something magical about it all.

Of seeing that test turn positive after many negatives.

Of heavy breasts and shiny hair.

Of feeling a bond with someone whose face you haven’t seen yet.

Of feeling a kick for the very first time.

Or a somersault.

Hearing the heartbeat, that familiar wowwowowwow.

Seeing your baby move in a scan with your heart in your mouth and an overfull bladder.

Thinking of names.

Picking out clothes.

Seeing your body grow in the most marvellous of ways.

Of giving birth, as awful as it was – that moment when they are just there.

That first look.

The first time they latch on to feed.

The hours watching them sleep.

The hours you need to sleep and they need to feed.

Of adorable outfits and little white hats.

Of swaddling and rocking and very first baths.

So whilst I know in every essence of my being that I can’t do it again. To myself. To my family. It was just too much.

I will admit that my heart aches a little to know that I won’t feel that again.

I don’t dwell on it for long.

My life is miraculous. As all lives are. I have two priceless children to always hold in my heart. I have many, many firsts to experience with them and one day a long time in the future I will hold their babies in my arms.

I lie here watching my girls together, happy, healthy and blessed to have each other.

How lucky we are.

How important are Grandparents?

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I almost didn’t want to write this post as I am aware that it could sound a little smug but I’m lucky. Incredibly lucky. Izzy is lucky. My other half is lucky. I’m also aware that this could change at anytime.

Yesterday myself, Izzy and my other half went out for lunch with his grandparents ( Izzys great grandparents) we do this at least once a month. They are fabulous with Izzy, still full of energy and I envy the relationship she has with them. Izzy also has another set of great grandparents who she sees regularly and loves to bits. Both sets are on her Dads side of the family.

Sharing Great Nannies lipstick:

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You see both sets of my grandparents have passed away but to be honest even before they died we didn’t have much of a relationship. My grandfathers died before I could really understand and my grandmothers just weren’t very maternal – in fact I am amazed that my parents turned out the way they did because and this is the lucky part – I have the most wonderful parents. I know a lot of people think this but I really really do. I know that I could depend on them for absolutely anything. This means Izzy has fantastic grandparents. She adores both my mum and dad and my other halfs parents who are also fabulous. Her face lights up whenever she sees any of them and if a day has gone by without her mentioning them since she started talking well I don’t remember it.

She has 1 Nanna, 1 grandma, 2 grandpas, 1 great nannie, 1 great grampy, 1 little gran (great gran) and 1 (great) grandad and you know what she never EVER gets them confused.

Having my own child has made me value my parents so much. The grandparent role is such an important one in my eyes and I don’t know how I would cope without them but equally I don’t know how they managed to bring up me and my siblings without any of the same support and in such a way that we didn’t realise we missed out on that relationship. In fact it’s only really now seeing Izzy with them and her great grandparents that I appreciate how incredibly special can be.

I hope this doesn’t sound as though I am bragging but I just wanted to acknowledge that I know we are blessed. Maybe I didn’t have it but my daughter has and hopefully the new baby too – if only for now as who knows what life has planned for us and my advice is soak up every minute. Encourage that bond. Visit them more if you can. Take lots of photos.

Appreciate it.

Woop Woop the day has come

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It’s here.. The day has arrived! It’s Camp Bestival time. We are so excited.

Can’t wait to see you all there having a ball…

Safe journey to all those travelling today.

For those of you who aren’t going there will be a lovely guest post over the weekend from the very lovely Liz of Ruby&Ginger so be sure to check it out.

See you soon. X

What do you love?

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It’s a simple question.. What do you love? I don’t mean the obvious family, friends etc. I mean your interests, hobbies or maybe just cake.

For me I love cooking .. and books. I love other things too such as festivals, blogging, music, travelling, films and much more but really if I had to narrow it down to just two it would be cooking and books.

The love of books for me started extremely early. I was nicknamed bookworm ( how cool ) by my family and I was caught reading my ( 10yrs older ) sisters copy of A Colour Purple at the tender age of 8. Oops – I may have got into trouble for that one. I literally would read anything I could get my hands on. These days I’m slightly picker about what I read but my taste is pretty varied and I’ll give most genres a whirl ( aside from extreme horror ) but you know what I read most these days… Cookery books! I don’t just read them for recipes, I read them as I would a normal book and ah I do love finding an old classic in my local charity shop.

My latest find:

10p from my local charity shop and written by the queen of cakes Mary Berry

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I do love that this book has written in some of the recipes the sentence If you have a freezer. Ha.

My love of cookery books is starting to take over my tiny kitchen.

My lovely man put a book shelf up to contain some…

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I have some tucked away here..

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And I haven’t even found a place for these ones yet

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I *may* also have a few on my Kindle. I want more. It’s an addiction but its not a bad one really. Don’t ask me to choose a favourite as I just couldn’t.

As much as I love the amazing recipe websites that have popped up recently and also I mostly like to make up my own recipes these days I couldn’t give these books away .. Something very special about thinking of the many times a book could have been used to help create that special meal. I heart my books.

Picture me happy – PrinterPix Competition

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I’ve always liked taking photos and never really liked being in them. When I had Izzy I went into overdrive taking photos of her every 5 minutes it seemed. When I realised I had taken thousands of pics in her first year ..it seemed a bit mad. Is it mad though to want to capture everything? Childhood is so fleeting and that funny little face they made for 5 seconds when eating their first strawberry may last a long time in your memory but wouldn’t it be nicer still if you could have that image perfectly preserved forever? Even if its only ever used to embarrass them at their 18th birthday party. Definitely.

In 95% of the photos we have of Izzy, it’s her on her own or with family members or mostly with her handsome daddy but very rarely with me. I don’t like being in front of the camera and well her first year I felt like I had hardly a minute to brush my hair so I may not have been at my most photogenic during that time! In the photo below my OH has captured me and Izzy at last years Camp Bestival dancing around to Mr Tumble on stage, it was such a happy happy weekend for us and for once the absolute pleasure on her face far outweighed my tired eyes or lack of make up. I felt radiant in the glow of my love for my family. Cheesy? Yes for sure but true. This may not be the most perfect photograph and you could do better with an actual camera ( this was an iPhone snap) but to me it is me as a mother with my ever so beautiful little girl, smiling at the man we both love. It couldn’t be more perfect in my eyes.

Thank you to Tots100 for making me dig through my photos and reminding me of some special times. Its also made me realise that even if I don’t want to be in pics, I should be as at some point it will be lovely for my daughter to look back and remember. Tots100 are running a competition where you could win a stack of goodies from Printerpix. This is my entry. I am camera less at present so it would definitely come in handy!

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This post is Becky’s entry into the PrinterPix photo competition