Giving birth is amazing right? Natural.. Incredible.. One of those days you will remember all of your life.
What if it isn’t a blissful..happy day? What if you hated it?
What if you didn’t feel like “you could go back and do it again in a second”?
What if following the birth instead of elated you felt petrified? Scared to close your eyes because of flashbacks and utterly traumatised?
It’s hard to admit feeling that way.
I really really struggled with whether to write this blog post and its not going to be my birth story or the sharing of any gory details as in my head I’m still not ready to rethink it all and well there are some things that I don’t need to share on here but I am writing it because I am SURE that I am not the only one who has felt this way.
My pregnancy was hard and far from straightforward. I was anxious and stressed..tired and worn down before I even reached the week of my labour. My labour didn’t start spontaneously and I was in hospital for four days prior to giving birth. I missed my daughter. Everything that could go wrong seemed to go wrong. Every little delay that could have occurred did. My body did not seem to want to take that big step towards active labour and instead I contracted for days getting more and more exhausted and sad. Yes sad. I was incredibly sad. All day long but especially when members of my family left the hospital. I felt so alone and I really started to feel scared. By day 3 I was spending most of my days in tears.
By the time I gave birth I couldn’t have felt less physically or emotionally ready for the experience and I really felt (still feel in a way) as though I let myself down. Not that I did anything wrong. I somehow managed to deliver with just a little gas & air (I wish I had had more pain relief in a way) and did everything I needed to do but I was a mess. I was far from the strong woman who gave birth to Izzy two years ago and in my head I just felt out of control.
As I said this isn’t a birth story so I won’t go into more detail but it was without a doubt the hardest day of my life.
Talking about it is hard but writing this feels strangely therapeutic.
The night after giving birth the midwife who delivered our wonderful daughter came to chat to me. A very lovely midwife who was looking after me on the ward could see I wasn’t coping with how I felt about the labour and so asked her to come to see me. And it helped. She reassured me about the things I felt went wrong, was just generally lovely to me and explained about how traumatic my labour had been. Talking to her made me feel as though the way I was now feeling was not weird but similar to how anyone can feel after experiencing a traumatic event. I’ve now discussed meeting to chat to someone (arranged via the hospital) who deals with after birth thoughts/counselling and I think it will help again.
I still feel anxious and as if something really bad happened – however the fact is something truly wonderful also occurred and that is that our second amazing daughter arrived and she is healthy..happy and has barely moved from my chest since that moment.
I’m sure I will write more on this subject but for now I will just say that if you feel this way after your childs birth don’t try to bury it or hide the way you feel as it will only make things worse. Talk to someone and accept that unfortunately for some birth is harder than expected.
Oh i felt/feel like this. I blogged about it too. I get angry when I hear people talk about their ‘perfect’ birth, and how they ‘felt a surge of love’ as soon as they held their baby – didn’t happen for me. I also had a hard time after the birth with feeding issues, so the whole first part of my daughters life, I’d rather blank out. I think writing it down really helps, writing my birth story was difficult for me, but helped me come to terms with what I experienced. I really did hate my labour, and giving birth. It wasn’t how I thought it would be. I hope you feel better with all the support you are accessing, I think you’re doing the right thing. And although it is difficult to think about, at least from this you have a beautiful baby, that’s what I kept thinking xx
I used to love reading positive birth stories so I hope that doesn’t change but I know what you mean. It’s hard not to feel resentful. As you say we have our wonderful babies to help us through it.
Wanted to congratulate you on the birth of your baby girl, I remember everything too but it all becomes a memory, don’t let it get in the way of what is now a wonderful time. I spent 4 days in hospital too being induced (sneaked off home halfway thru to tidy house & do washing!) but ended up with a c-section which took months to recover from but probably the best thing as she would still be there she was so comfortable!
Hope you’re all comfy at home now and being spoilt, enjoy your new daughter xx
I’m so sorry to hear this, make sure you do talk about it, and get any help you need. Remember too, that many people gloss over their birth stories to make them sound so positive. When I wrote about mine on my blog I only shared the bits I wanted to share, so there are horrible bits I have kept to myself. Fortunately with time the bad bits fade, or so I’ve found. Lots of love, S xx
Thanks Sophie, yes I can imagine most people only write the positive bits! Thanks again for reading and commenting xx
I remember those feelings from being in hospital waiting for Arthur to arrive, it’s so lonely. The birth was scary and and shockingly quick and while I would want another I would not want to relive that birth.
The photo of you and the baby is simply stunning, you are amazing and that is such a beautiful moment captured because you did it. You made it through. I am proud of you.
Only now getting sound to replying to these comments but just wanted to say thank you C as you were a big support during my pregnancy. X
There’s an awful lot going on in your body hormonally when your pregnant and going into labour and then labouring, and afterwards. An awful lot of change, so an awful lot of hormones, the body’s chemical messaging system, being produced and used to get everything to do what it needs to do from the contractions to the milk to everything, it’s all very complex.
Hormones are jolly powerful things, and the brain works on them and electricity so how you feel and how you make memories and how those memories work and effect you can all be influenced.
Basically what I’m trying to say is birth can be traumatic, just in itself, and how your body is working can often make the experiencing of it extremely intense. You are absolutely right – talking and thinking and writing it about it are all very good ways of dealing with it all ((((hugs)))) do make sure you put your foot down and access all the help you need, both with midwives, counsellors, etc and family and friends xxx
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment, it means a lot xx
Hi there, there are more women who feel like you honestly. It is something we don’t like talking about but you aren’t alone. As an NCT leader, I used to run a service called Birth After Thoughts. Women would come and de brief their birth experiences . I felt strongly that the public perception of the NCT was a load of women being terribly PC , eating their placenta and giving birth peacefully by candle light at home. Modern birth in hospitals just doesn’t reflect this sadly. It does happen for some women but for the majority it involves bright lights, separation from family and support networks, strangers, equipment and drugs. This can all equal stress, disappointment and depression.
From my own point of view, I found the birth of my first child 21 years ago very distressing. I felt violated. Second and third time around the births were much better but that made me more angry that my first experience had been so traumatic.
When my own daughter comes to to have a baby, I will support and encourage her as much as I can. I hope I have empowered her by having her there when her youngest brother was born. She was 7 and he was born in her bedroom. I wanted her to witness normal birth. Birth that didn’t involve screaming or shouting or any of the things they show on TV. She says she isn’t frightened of birth . I surely was. I’d seen some ridiculously medicalised births during my nurse training and was scared out of my wits. My daughter is now training to be a doctor and I sincerely hope she doesn’t get jaundiced by what she may see drying her time on the labour ward.
Lots of love to all those women who are feeling traumatised by their birthing experiences. Xxxx