Over the past four years a lot has happened. Massively important, life changing moments such as moving in with my OH. Finding out I was pregnant on Izzy ( big shock ) Giving birth to Izzy. Watching her grow, walk, talk. Deciding to try for another baby. Finding out I was pregnant with Chloe. Giving birth to her. Watching her start to grow. Loving, living, crying, laughing.
We have also made some pretty huge decisions. Decisions which affect us and our family.
Our biggest decision is to say no more. No more babies.
My last pregnancy was one very long, very hard bundle of stress, illness, anger, frustration and sadness.
Of course it ended with our beautiful daughter and we are so incredibly happy with our girls.
I know I can’t do it again.
Pregnancy is hard, for nearly every person I know. It’s rare that someone tells me that their pregnancy was stress free. Carrying another life literally within your body is rarely easy but whilst I could never tell you that I enjoyed pregnancy as that would be a lie there is something magical about it all.
Of seeing that test turn positive after many negatives.
Of heavy breasts and shiny hair.
Of feeling a bond with someone whose face you haven’t seen yet.
Of feeling a kick for the very first time.
Or a somersault.
Hearing the heartbeat, that familiar wowwowowwow.
Seeing your baby move in a scan with your heart in your mouth and an overfull bladder.
Thinking of names.
Picking out clothes.
Seeing your body grow in the most marvellous of ways.
Of giving birth, as awful as it was – that moment when they are just there.
That first look.
The first time they latch on to feed.
The hours watching them sleep.
The hours you need to sleep and they need to feed.
Of adorable outfits and little white hats.
Of swaddling and rocking and very first baths.
So whilst I know in every essence of my being that I can’t do it again. To myself. To my family. It was just too much.
I will admit that my heart aches a little to know that I won’t feel that again.
I don’t dwell on it for long.
My life is miraculous. As all lives are. I have two priceless children to always hold in my heart. I have many, many firsts to experience with them and one day a long time in the future I will hold their babies in my arms.
I lie here watching my girls together, happy, healthy and blessed to have each other.
How lucky we are.