2020. I can imagine in years to come people sat down talking about difficult times and crazy news and saying yeah this may be bad but hey remember 2020? WOW.

Who’d have thought this year would turn out like this? I don’t know about you but I know that on January 1st this year I had a lot of big plans for this year. I was taking control of lots of areas of my life and I had many things I wanted to do. It seems pretty silly to look back and sort of mourn the year that we have almost lost because in the grand scheme of things myself and my family have been very lucky, we haven’t been personally affected really by the pandemic in terms of anyone being seriously ill. But yeah silly as it may sound it does seem that way, we have lost a significant chunk of time, time where we haven’t been able to be close with loved ones and friends and it almost seems as if some areas of life will never be quite the same. Although life is very slowly getting back to some sort of normality, there are still many things we can’t do and I still cannot hug my parents or have dinner at a friends house. I can’t curl up and watch a tv programme with a cup of tea on my parents sofa. Can’t eat inside a restaurant ( at least here in Wales), haven’t been clothes shopping since February, haven’t had a haircut in even longer. In fact for someone who travels so much my life has been contained within 4 miles for 5 months. It’s crazy and still sometimes feels almost surreal, anyone else still wake up some mornings and think woah what an absolutely bonkers dream?

I have learned to appreciate the smaller pleasures a lot more. A daily coffee in the garden where I have got to know all of my regular birds and whilst I often begrudge ordering myself a takeaway I don’t think twice about ordering them 150 fat balls.

I have started growing lots more veggies and herbs at home. and it tastes so much better when you know you grew it!

As a huge indulgence at the beginning of the pandemic I ordered a hot tub for the garden, I say huge indulgence when I actually got a pretty decent deal for £199 and whilst that kind of impulsive purchase is very unlike me it has made the experience a whole lot sweeter. I do some form of daily exercise, because I have the time for it. Sometimes I walk 10-15k steps a day, other days its yoga or stretching but something each day and my body is stronger and healthier as a result. I haven’t taken up a new hobby as such or learned a new language or written a book but I have baked A LOT, I have made major life decisions and I’ve started writing just for pleasure again. Not even pieces I want anyone to read but just writing for me, for the pleasure of it and because sometimes my stupid brain just will not switch off at night. I have worked on my friendships more, making sure to maintain contact when we weren’t able to see each other. I speak to my family more and I have tried where I can to make life easier for those around me, in small ways where possible and thats helped me to keep going.

I will admit there have been times, especially when I have been entirely alone at home on rainy days where I have sat down and had a good cry because for someone who actually loves to be alone I have at times been incredibly lonely. For normally being alone is a choice you make, these last few months that has been forced on me occasionally and it is an eye opener. I realised that although I am not someone who needs company all the time that I should seek it out more often and be more social when the opportunity allows it.

I guess this is just a bit of a ramble but I haven’t posted much lately and thought you may enjoy a little of what is going on in my life. I’ve got some exciting stuff to share with you soon I promise.

I’ll end with this, whilst this year has been hard on most of us I am thankful that my friends and family are for the most part happy and healthy. We all have managed to keep our jobs and yes we have seen the effect of this awful virus through members of the family who work for the NHS and through the news but we are all ok. I am thankful for that in more ways than I can say. I hope this time hasn’t been too difficult for you and yours. Feel free to say hey on my social channels, I do like to catch up with you all!

Don’t be fooled into thinking this is going to be one of those posts you’ve seen online about how everyone should be walking away from the lockdown with a new skill or a novel completed. That may be you, it is definitely not me.

However like most of you there are things that I am learning about myself, about the world and ultimately more about what I want and more importantly need.

I am learning to be more patient. I guess now is the time for that hey? I must admit that the first month or so of the pandemic brought me more than I expected in terms of stress and my patience was tested and smashed to pieces on more than one occasion. I wish that hadn’t happened. But it’s done and forward is the only way you can move otherwise you are just stuck in the same place. I am more patient now with others, especially my children who whilst wonderful and loving can of course be testing when there is so much time just stuck within the confines of our home. I am trying really hard to teach them the importance of patience with each other so it is kind of essential that I at least try to display that behaviour myself as much as I can. I am more patient with friends and family, yeah it took you 3 days to reply but it’s ok, sometimes thats the same for me too. We may have more actual time but I don’t know about you my brain doesn’t seem to have quite latched onto that and feels more busy than ever. Yep sometimes I read and pop my phone aside then absolutely forget to reply. I feel bad but we all do it. I am more patient with myself. I have stopped beating myself up about not getting everything done that I meant to do. My baking posts traffic went a bit wild at the beginning of lockdown and my brain told me to go promote all of those posts and create as many new recipes as possible but my heart wasn’t in. So I didn’t do it. Some days we get all the kids schoolwork done, some days we don’t and maybe we have a cooking lesson or a crafts lesson – also known as making cakes and drawing rainbows. That’s ok. I am not superhuman. None of us are.

It’s important to sit back sometimes and tell yourself this, we are living through unexpected ( I couldn’t bring myself to use unprecedented) times. It is a complete unknown. We will all be missing something or someone. Some days it is unbearably hard. Give yourself a break. If you are telling yourself each day that you aren’t doing enough or it’s not good enough – stop that now. If you are managing to keep yourself and your family reasonably calm and happy and fed and watered that is enough. You don’t need to read 100 books or master sourdough and you really don’t need to do Joe Wicks each day – although occasionally it’s quite fun.

I am learning to value the simplicity of life. A great cup of tea, the hugs the girls give me first thing. Making my parents laugh on a video call. The satisfaction of an online order arriving in full. Doing something small to brighten someones day. Supporting my friends and family when they need it. Appreciating good weather and yet still enjoying the rain when it comes. The chat you have from a distance with someone passing the house, the one you know brightens their day. Stopping to chat to people in gardens as you do the same walk each day, seeing their faces light up when they see the kids. Knowing you may have been their first human contact that day.

I am learning about what I need to be happy. And its surprisingly pretty simple. My needs aren’t lengthy or crazily imaginative. I need the girls to be happy and healthy. I need them to feel secure and I need to have enough money to be able to feed, cloth and provide them with a safe home. They don’t need super expensive clothes or an X Box or luxury food and neither do I. I need my family to be healthy and happy too. My parents who I have always valued have made my life so much easier on us than it could have been in many ways. They support me in everything I need and I know that whatever I asked of them they would try to help. So of course in this time when they need my help a little more with online shopping or googling meat/veg deliveries then I want to make it easier for them. I need my siblings who I am close to and spend a considerable amount of my social time with normally. I need them to be ok and I need to be able to see them. And I need my good friends who I know I can message or call whenever, I need to be able to talk to them, even if we cant meet up for a chat and a meal right now.

I don’t need the pub or the cinema or dates. I don’t need a holiday or to be able to go to the gym. I don’t need to go to a festival or a concert. I don’t need lots of clothes or expensive make up. Or an electric scooter. Which has been in a shopping basket of mine on several occasions lately – I don’t need one. Don’t. HA.

I want life back to normal but more than that I want the people I love in it and if that means life can’t be normal for a long time then so be it. It sucks. It really does but if six months of being the only grown up in my home and no hugs from another adult ends up with being able to spend time afterwards with all of my loved ones who are healthy then I can do it. I am stronger than I know. And so are you.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. A A Milne

I have stopped and started writing a blog post for the last month because nothing I said seemed quite right. I didn’t feel I could simply write about what I am eating or watching because it all seemed too frivolous. Yet I realise now that frivolity and distraction is what a lot of us need so I am hoping to get back into the swing of writing about everyday things and maybe one or two recipes too.

My life along with all of yours has changed drastically over the last 6 – 7 weeks and I never imagined living through something like this. I think a lot of you will agree that this period is mentally draining and at many times incredibly sad. I have also felt an ever increasing feeling of uselessness. Ordinarily if our country was in a major crisis we could all go and do our bit to help, if there were hungry we could feed them or lonely go and visit but the risks of this virus to certain members of my family means that I haven’t been able to volunteer for any local projects and even my day job is currently on hold. I have kept busy with trying to do little bits here and there such as online shopping for members of my family and also parenting my two amazing yet busy daughters. I miss my parents and siblings who I am very close to, I miss my friends too and there are times when the worry of anything happening to loved ones becomes too much to think about. Being close to your family is wonderful but also scary because the thought of losing them is so unbearable. And the fact that there are so many of us ( I am one of ten children) can at times feel like there is always someone to worry about or consider. Within my large family we have a few at risk ( not shielded) members, one heavily pregnant and another two who are NHS key workers and I would be lying if I said I had no fears about Covid19. Aside from Coronavirus there are other major health worries within the family and frustratingly none of us are able to help one another out in the ways we normally would.

As with many others there are aspects of life in lockdown which I would like to continue when it ends. More time focused on communicating with family, more time focused on simple things. More time in the garden listening to the birds, examining the shapes in the clouds. Less needless shopping for clothes and materialistic products ( although I admit even I had a moment where I googled hot tub prices – then laughed and closed the browser). Focusing on daily outdoor exercise. Cooking from scratch more. Making sure to use up leftovers. Considering the needs of others more.

I don’t really miss going to the pub or restaurants although cooking every meal and cleaning up after each one doesn’t always exactly spark joy! I don’t really miss my day job although occasionally I miss having more adult conversation and I don’t even miss the socialising aspect as much as I imagined.

I do miss my close friends and family but we are maintaining contact in lots of ways.

But the biggest thing I miss most right now is being able to give my parents a hug. I have always appreciated my parents but never more so than right in this moment, I can’t think of anyone with a bad word to say about them and I am aware that I was so very lucky to be born to two generous, selfless and loving people. They make my days better and fill my heart with joy and love. The relationship they have with my children is wonderful to see and I am thankful we live within walking distance so that we can call up and check in on them ( from a safe distance in the garden ). We always spend a lot of time together but I’ll ensure it will be even more so after this difficult time is over.

If there is one thing this pandemic will have taught us as all I believe it is what really matters to us and who really matters to us. Material goods and money in the bank whilst nice don’t mean much when peoples lives and health are in doubt and at risk.

I hope you are ok, whoever and wherever you are reading this. I hope this virus hasn’t taken anyone close to you and I hope you are finding this time bearable. You can always pop me an email via the blog or a message on my social channels if you need someone to offload or rant to, I’m a good listener.

Stay safe, stay home. Protect not just the NHS but everyone. Stay away from loved ones and wait for when this is over and we can have that big joyous gathering so that nobody is missing from it.

Love to you all.

Wow this last month or so seems to have passed in the blinking of an eye. It seems like only a moment ago that I was wondering how I’d get used to writing 2020 and suddenly we are here and just getting into the second month.

I’m glad we are edging closer to Springtime. I normally like the dark nights and wrapping up in hats and scarves but this Winter already seems too long. I am longing for lighter evenings and days without coats. Being able to walk a lot especially by our local estuary in the daylight has huge benefits for my mental health and apparently for physical health too, not just from the exercise but the Vitamin D too.

Movies

At the cinema I have watched Jojo Rabbit, Bad Boys for Life, Spies in Disguise and Little Women. I loved Little Women – in fact I really want to see it again, it is a truly fantastic remake and I urge you to check it out. Only one point I will make is that it’s not all in chronological order so if you haven’t read the book ( you really should ) or seen the original film then you may find parts of it confusing. Jojo Rabbit is also a great world war two film which is surprisingly comedic although highly emotional in parts, the role of Jojo is played by Roman Griffin Davis and he is outstanding. Bad Boys was good fun and easy to watch, although slightly gorier in parts than I expected. The kids enjoyed Spies In Disguise and it was more than just watchable for grown ups too.

At home I haven’t watched any new films unless you count some really old school Disney films with the kids.

TV

I seem to be a bit of an anomaly at the moment as most people seem to be watching one of the reality shows currently gracing our TVs, Love Island and The Masked Singer to name just two. I will admit giving Love Island a cursory glance on the first episode but I realised that I just can’t get invested in it. It is all so samey. Instead I have just been watching Netflix and more recently Apple TV due to a free pass from my phone provider.

So far over the last month on Netflix I have watched 60 Days In and I blitzed through Virgin River. Virgin River is a very easy to watch drama set in a beautiful town in North California, it’s quite quaint and simple and I like it a lot. 60 Days In was just fascinating, members of the public were sent to live as criminals in an American Jail for ( you guessed it ) 60 days. It was a bit mad, occasionally predictable and just an interesting watch. My favourite recent watch has been The Morning Show on Apple TV, starring Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon who both play really great characters – I finished it within a week ( it’s only 10 episodes ) and I LOVED it.

Meals

I am almost back into my cooking groove. In the last few weeks alone I have baked banana breads, nutella cookies and soda breads galore. I have started baking something for one of my family members each week to say thank you for some of the support they have shown me over the last year. So far I have managed to bake for 3 of my siblings and if you know my family then you’ll know I still have a fair way to go. I’ve also been trying to cook a new dish each week with the girls, nothing especially exciting but I want them to enjoy cooking food and realise how important variety is.

Everything Else

To be honest life has been a little topsy turvy this last month. My anxiety levels seem to be higher than normal and I am waiting on some further hospital tests on my back which is probably not helping. Cooking more, walking a little more and just spending as much time as possible focused on fun with the kids is keeping me sane…just 🙂

Am having a bit of a contemplative time, trying to work out what I can do to improve and change things in my life. I need to work on a few areas and one at least is making sure that eventually I am doing a job that I love. Overall I am working on my health and I have also started taking regular supplements which were a gift from an online friend ( not an AD). I am taking Omega 3, Active Energy and Vitamin D from a company called Vegetology, it is still early days but I think they are having an impact. My energy levels are definitely higher and I am sleeping better at night too.

I have a few press events to look forward to over the next few months as well including a Feel Good trip to Bath which involves a trip to the Thermal Bath ( my first ever ) and wow it could not come at a better time. I’ll keep you posted on that!

Despite what some magazines will tell you not all problems are fixed by a manicure or a hot soak in the bath. Now I do firmly believe that a bath can make most days better but over the years I have discovered ways to take better care of my mental health. As we all should. Mental health is as important if not at times more important than physical health. And poor mental health impacts your physical health which to me seems downright cruel.

I don’t pretend to be a master of my mental health. Quite often it gets the better of me, I am however getting better at knowing what to do to pull myself out of those murky waters. I can recognise the feelings, the symptoms and whilst I can’t stop anxiety or stress from quite literally kicking my butt, there is something to be said for knowing as much as you can about your enemy and how to beat it.

So what do I do?

These are just a few of the ways that help me to get through difficult days. Some of this may work for you but it may not. We are all unique and will have different coping mechanisms. I would urge you to keep a little notebook or even a folder on your phone. Write down EVERYTHING that improves your mood or makes you calm. Everything. That particular brand of tea. The way you feel around certain people. A song. A special form of exercise. All of it. It is what I have been doing for a little while now and whilst you don’t need to know all of my notes and some of course are quite personal, there are some which are more general and perhaps even obvious. I’ll share a few each month.

1. Re read a favourite book. I find this especially helpful when my mood is low. I don’t feel like taking in new information and sometimes I simply can’t. An old book, a much loved favourite is a bit like a hug from a parent. It’s easy, it’s comforting and you know exactly how it makes you feel. Not into reading? Watch a favourite film. My go to film for unwinding is Julie and Julia. It is about food and writing so perfect for me!
2. Get up and move. I am not talking about exercise (yet) but we all get days when we don’t want to move from our beds. I definitely think you should let yourself rest as much as you need but too much time under a blanket especially during the day time can make me feel a lot worse. It gets harder and harder to want to get up so most days even if I don’t have to I bite the bullet and get up before 9. If the girls aren’t here then before I settle down to have breakfast or relax I do a wash load or maybe see to the cat or I’ll sort out the recycling. Something easy which requires little brain energy.
3. Eat the right food. Ah I am a sucker for junk food or a takeaway when I’m stressed. Sometimes because I have little to no energy to make food and often little appetite and sometimes just because it tastes really good. I still indulge and this is not about calorie counting but sugar highs and lows aren’t great when your mood is a bit all over the place. Too much salt and grease also makes you feel lousy, can upset your belly ( which anxiety already does) and well it is expensive too. If I eat more fresh food, more greens, less processed stuff straight from a packet then I feel better. In my head I feel like I am taking care of myself and it seems to have a knock on effect.
4. Drink more water. Dehydration makes your whole body feel lousy and can give headaches and interrupt your sleep which then impacts your mental health. So drink more.
5. Busy your mind. This is great for anxiety and that seemingly never ending restless feeling. Find something that occupies your mind fully – for me it’s baking with loud music playing. My hands are busy, my mind is going full throttle with timings and measurements and I don’t have time to worry. I know it’s not for everyone but I like both my body and brain to be tired before bed. Find your thing and do it. Baking is mine.
6. Be with your easy people. It may be family or friends or a partner, for me it’s my parents, children and siblings plus a couple of friends I have had for 10 years+. I can be with any of those people and not have to think about what I say, what I’m wearing or what I have to do. It’s just easy. I am comforted by their presence and I feel so very lucky to have that. Sometimes even now knowing that it helps I still try to avoid these social situations because my brain is stupid but looking back I know that I feel better for time spent with them.
7. Exercise. This is without a doubt one of the best things you can do for your mental health. While I wait for my next MRI I am limited in that all I can really do is walk a little bit and it is so incredibly frustrating. If you can exercise, do it. It releases endorphins, it improves your mental health. If you do it outside you get vitamin D and fresh air and well just do it. As much as you can, as often as you can.
8. Look for positives. I won’t go into this too much as I have written more about it here but just try every day looking for the small good things in your day. Tiny things like a great coffee, a smile from a stranger or a brightly coloured door. Anything at all. Count them up. I started this late year and it has helped improve my days.

That is the first chunk of many, I have loads more to share. I know some of these will seem fairly obvious but when you are in the middle of it whether it be depression, anxiety or stress then you forget. You forget how it feels to be better, to feel normal again and these help me. I hope they help you.