Everything’s not always rosy.
Having just returned from a family break to a fantastic festival with a hundred smiling photos of us all you would be forgiven for thinking all is happy and well with my world.
For the most part it is I guess when you look at the big picture. We are all in reasonably good health, we have a home, a loving family and food on the table every day. But all is certainly not rosy. We seem to have totally lost all semblance of any bedtime routine with both girls of late and it means we never get an evening to ourselves anymore.
Each evening is tiring and stressful and I dread it.
Izzy is pushing boundaries every day. She knows what buttons to push and is not afraid to push them.
Add to this I think my anxiety levels are rising again and nearly 9 months on I’m still having birth trauma issues. Some days are just not fun.
In fact some days are awful.
At least once a day for the past week I have been on the verge of tears for one reason or another. Sometime it’s just tiredness. Sometimes it’s because my darling toddler has told me she doesn’t love me anymore..just Daddy. Sometimes it’s because Chloe is so incredibly frustrated that she can’t do everything she wants to yet and so instead just whines and whines.
I want to carry on breastfeeding, I want to stop breastfeeding. I love the closeness, the feeling of giving Chloe the very best I can but I need the freedom to be able to leave the house for more than an hour or two to clear my head. I don’t know what to do.
I worry so much. About how I will cope when I return to work. How I can possibly fit my job around my family and home life. I can’t work full time anymore as how will I get to know my children the way I want to and be there for them when I am only home for two of their wakeful hours each day. If I work part time how will we afford to bring them up the way we want to. Arrggh. All day questions, stress.. Over tired ..over active mind.
I need to bake. Baking soothes my soul.