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I’m blue da ba de da ba da

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I’m not sure if its because I didn’t sleep last night or whether my body is just feeling exhausted but I feel blue. Although there have been loads of little and large issues some of which I’ve blogged about and well others I haven’t with this pregnancy I’ve managed mostly to keep a positive spin on things.

Today was only something minor – I have developed a ear and throat infection so I’m on antibiotics. AGAIN. Nothing major right but it must have been the icing on the cake as I suddenly feel miserable. Last night I didn’t really sleep at all, not just due to the heat which has kept most of the country awake for days but because my throat was so swollen ..by the time 9am came I felt broken. Flu type symptoms in my arms, legs and head with a massively sore throat, nausea and a niggly pain starting in my ear. If I wasn’t pregnant I would have dosed up on cold/flu meds and relaxed until I felt better but when pregnant you are extremely limited as to what you can take to relieve the pain so I give in and visited my GP. Lucky I did as the infection is pretty bad and my doc said it would have become a lot worse. At the same time we have thought Izzy had hayfever all weekend when it turns out today that she has a chest infection so she is also on meds. I should point out she is dealing with it a lot better than I am.

My body just feels useless right now. Deep down I know it’s not – I’m growing a baby after all 😉 but it feels that way. Every week seems to bring a new issue and although I know the baby is ok I worry, after all if I feel this way how does she feel? I hate that I am now on my third lot of antibiotics in as many weeks although I know they are essential especially the ones to fight the Strep B but all this medicine in my body when I am carrying my precious baby seems wrong.

I worry constantly about how rubbish I feel. What if this continues? How will I cope with labour or a newborn?

When I think clearly I know that I will be fine, the baby will hopefully be fine and this is all just worry but it’s very hard to shake out of this mood today. I think I’ve felt more stressed in this pregnancy that I have in most of adult life. During my last pregnancy my mum battled breast cancer and I coped with that better than I am currently coping with less serious matters.

Added to all of the above is the effect on Izzy and my OH. I feel guilty most days about not doing enough with Izzy – when I have an ounce of energy I try to spend it on her or we do things like cuddling and watching films. My OH has been incredibly supportive when I know a lot of this has been hard on him too and I worry about the strain it puts on him.

It feels like forever until our next scan at 28 weeks when we hope to see our heathy,happy girl bouncing about in my belly.

How can I get out of this silly mood and stop feeling sorry for myself? I know there are many people worse off than me and I am lucky in a million ways but right now I need a boost.

This was a bit of a thought spillage so apologies if it makes little or no sense.

Thanks for reading.x

Over halfway

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My pregnancy feels like its been at least a year long .. I remember it going so quickly with Isabelle and everyone told me it would be even faster this time around as I would be so busy with my toddler that it would fly by. Not the case. Every week/month has brought something different to worry about and I would love if the next 18weeks were peaceful so that I could enjoy my pregnancy. During my last pregnancy my mum was battling breast cancer so I feel like I’ve never really enjoyed my pregnant time – I have to admit to feeling slightly cheated.

I am ashamed to admit that as grateful as I am to be pregnant right now and overjoyed that I will have a wonderful baby in just 18weeks time I never EVER want to be pregnant again. EVER. I won’t miss my bump. My bump has caused me nothing but problems – my baby I love already .. My pregnancy not so much.

Thankfully I am now over halfway and my baby is still safely tucked up in my belly – I am so happy that we have made it this far. Every week I get further along is a blessing.

It is only now 8 weeks into my second trimester that I can feel my energy levels returning which I assume is later than most due to the stress/lack of sleep and an infection invading my body.

The heat is a bit much the last few days but I’ve been trying to enjoy garden time with my family and watching Izzy splashing about in the paddling pool has definitely improved my mood. I’ve started to feel more positive.

Last week we had a little bit more news regarding the pregnancy when I found out I was carrying Strep B (you can read more about strep B in my last post) Strep B caused our family a lot of distress 9 years ago when my sisters first child almost died after contracting it during labour so I have some negative emotions related to it but I am lucky in that it was picked up during some routine testing I had done in hospital and as such I’m receiving the appropriate care.

My bump is huge. Like really huge. I’m sure I didn’t look this big on Izzy until I was about 30weeks. I know second pregnancies show faster but woah I feel like an elephant.

Pregnant bump bikini

We had our 20 week scan last week and the baby looked well.

IT’S A GIRL!

She was a little naughty and didn’t stop wriggling all the the way through and made it very hard for the sonographer but so far all looks fine 😀

We have a consultants appointment this afternoon just to chat about some issues and after that I’m hoping for a few weeks break from the hospital and GP surgery so positive thoughts please readers!

Nobody said it was easy

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When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was already nearly 8weeks along and it was a complete shock. This time around I found out at the earliest possible time.. Approx 3wk5days pregnant. Crazy huh? How I wish I had had those extra 5 weeks of being worry free this time around.

My first pregnancy wasn’t easy due to sickness and the usual aches and pains but it wasn’t full of worry and stress.. At least not about the baby. I was in a bit of a dream world I think where miscarriages and early pregnancy scares happened to other people. I had 1 trip to EPU due to an over cautious (but lovely) midwife as I had a bit of side pain but even while sat there waiting to be scanned I didn’t really contemplate there would anything wrong with my baby and I was lucky as there wasn’t. She is 21 months now – funny, bright and a bundle of energy who I simply adore.

This pregnancy has been fraught with worry. More or less from the day I became pregnant I not only felt really unwell but I had problems, scares which have on more than 5 occasions led us to worry that something could be wrong with our baby. Today was that 5th occasion. Today at 17wks when first trimester worries are supposedly behind us and I had just last night experienced feeling the first proper kicks. At the moment it seems that all is ok, the baby’s heartbeat was heard and that galloping sound has never sounded better but I’ve been referred to consultant care and I am hoping for some final reassurance from him/her in a few weeks.

I am being positive and feeling that everything will be fine but it has made me think a lot about pregnancy in general. I definitely believed prior to this year that although uncomfortable and at times unpleasant it was generally a time of happiness and excitement but really for lots of women (and their partners) it’s worry, stress and even worse guilt. Did I overdo it yesterday? Am I really looking after myself in the way that I should? Of course I know the answers to those and I know I’m doing just fine but it does make you question yourself.

Straightforward pregnancies aren’t actually that common it seems..

Of the 10 women I currently know that are pregnant ( locally and twitter friends) 7 have had at least one problem in the first and second trimesters. Some still have ongoing problems and others are coping admirably with tough news. Pregnancy is far from a time of joy and gluttonous eating for most.

Even so with all the anxiety of the past 3/4 months I can still lie here in my bed stroking my belly, feeling the slightest of flutterings and looking forward to a day in November when we will meet our strong little baby and well I just may just give him/her the biggest squeeze.