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Nobody said it was easy

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When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was already nearly 8weeks along and it was a complete shock. This time around I found out at the earliest possible time.. Approx 3wk5days pregnant. Crazy huh? How I wish I had had those extra 5 weeks of being worry free this time around.

My first pregnancy wasn’t easy due to sickness and the usual aches and pains but it wasn’t full of worry and stress.. At least not about the baby. I was in a bit of a dream world I think where miscarriages and early pregnancy scares happened to other people. I had 1 trip to EPU due to an over cautious (but lovely) midwife as I had a bit of side pain but even while sat there waiting to be scanned I didn’t really contemplate there would anything wrong with my baby and I was lucky as there wasn’t. She is 21 months now – funny, bright and a bundle of energy who I simply adore.

This pregnancy has been fraught with worry. More or less from the day I became pregnant I not only felt really unwell but I had problems, scares which have on more than 5 occasions led us to worry that something could be wrong with our baby. Today was that 5th occasion. Today at 17wks when first trimester worries are supposedly behind us and I had just last night experienced feeling the first proper kicks. At the moment it seems that all is ok, the baby’s heartbeat was heard and that galloping sound has never sounded better but I’ve been referred to consultant care and I am hoping for some final reassurance from him/her in a few weeks.

I am being positive and feeling that everything will be fine but it has made me think a lot about pregnancy in general. I definitely believed prior to this year that although uncomfortable and at times unpleasant it was generally a time of happiness and excitement but really for lots of women (and their partners) it’s worry, stress and even worse guilt. Did I overdo it yesterday? Am I really looking after myself in the way that I should? Of course I know the answers to those and I know I’m doing just fine but it does make you question yourself.

Straightforward pregnancies aren’t actually that common it seems..

Of the 10 women I currently know that are pregnant ( locally and twitter friends) 7 have had at least one problem in the first and second trimesters. Some still have ongoing problems and others are coping admirably with tough news. Pregnancy is far from a time of joy and gluttonous eating for most.

Even so with all the anxiety of the past 3/4 months I can still lie here in my bed stroking my belly, feeling the slightest of flutterings and looking forward to a day in November when we will meet our strong little baby and well I just may just give him/her the biggest squeeze.

The Wait – First trimester

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I’m writing this post at 8weeks and 2 days pregnant.

I won’t however be posting it until I am safely past the 12 week scan.

This is hard.

The Wait.

I thought the two week wait was difficult ( the 2 weeks wait to find out if you are pregnant) but woah this is much harder. I have known I am pregnant for exactly 4 weeks. The first two weeks were pretty great, we have been trying for baby number 2 for a little while and to be able to tell my man that I was pregnant on his birthday was pretty special and we were both on a bit of a high .. albeit a very tired high for me. The last 2 weeks have been not so great, we encountered some difficulties and well I was convinced there would not be a positive outcome. I’ve had 2 scans already and I’m only 8 wks pregnant – most people don’t even have their first scan until 12 wks which is hopefully ( if all is well in the next few weeks) when my 3rd scan will be. It’s been a very scary time and its not over yet.

The risks of miscarriage before 12 weeks are incredibly high – 1 in 5. Did you know that? Isn’t that frightening? I’m glad that my pregnancy with Izzy although full of sickness was also very straightforward.

I’ve been sick as sick can be for the past 3 weeks which is a positive sign! Yay for HCG hormones!! Don’t even get me started on the food aversions. It’s incredible how the horrors of morning sickness can be a relief to you when you are paranoid about the health of your growing baby.

I’ve tried to be a little removed but well we all know that’s just not possible right? I’ve seen his/her heart beating on a scan and felt the overwhelming relief of knowing that at that moment in time everything was ok I can’t help but feel connected.

I really hope that in 4 weeks time I will be shouting my happy news to you from the rooftop but for now I just don’t know and well all I can do is wait.

* As you will know from yesterday’s post..so far all is going well and I’m at the 12wk point (approximately) 😀