It’s been over 9 months since I gave birth to our daughter Chloe. It’s a bit of a cliche I know but it really has flown by.
Aside from the updates and developments which I will share with you as they happen I thought I would tell you how my life is 9 months after a traumatic birth.
Yes. It was a truly incredible day. The day that our second daughter arrived in the world and obviously one of the most important days of my life.
It was also one of the worst. I think it’s a good thing that I am finally ok with saying that.
For a long time I felt guilty, embarrassed and just really selfish to think that way about the day of Chloe’s birth. But it’s not her fault. Or my fault. I love her very, very much. In fact this is really not about her at all.
The days around her birth and the days after are a blur. Some days I can think about it clearly and other days the thought of it makes me want to sit and cry.
Last week I had a nightmare with flashbacks from the birth for the first time in quite a while and it was so real once again. Since then I feel like a bit of a dark cloud is hovering over my head. I know by next week I will feel ok again but when will it stop completely? Soon I hope.
A lot of people don’t really understand what a traumatic birth is. They may that assume my life was in danger or that my baby was seriously ill and whisked off to intensive care as soon as she arrived.
It was none of those things. In fact in many ways things went well.
In many ways it also didn’t.
Like in my head and how I felt so completely out of control.
And why I still hate that fact.
9 months on I still have nights when I lie in bed and remember something new that happened during labour. Something the midwife or my mum or OH said to me or something I tried to say in return. Something I thought or something I felt.
It’s annoying and to a point a bit embarrassing.
I’m a grown woman. Women are supposed to just deal with childbirth. Yes it’s hard. Yes it’s painful but it’s what we do, our bodies were built for it.
I still feel ashamed for feeling this way.
I’ve finally been proactive in that I have chased up my therapy appointment and also went to see my GP on Friday, he suggested medication as I imagined he would but I am hoping that if I can get an appointment for counselling sometime soon it’s possible I can avoid that. If not then perhaps medicine is a route I will have to take in order to feel better.
Accepting that I have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and also possibly post natal depression is very hard. I feel like a failure almost. I want to be the happy me. The laid back me. The person I know who is still inside but for some reason is being overshadowed by all of this. When will I see her again?