I’m always envious of the parent who breezes into the school yard perfectly dressed with her child who holds onto her hand, another on her back while she casually pushes the other in a buggy. She never seems to get angry, or forget things. She is never flying around the corner of the school as the last child trails out or walking in as the register is being called. Her child always has the correct book/fruit money and hair is neatly plaited or combed.

Rare is the day when everything goes perfectly at our home. I always feel as if I’m just managing. My children are always fed. They are always dressed, warm and loved. I guess this is all that matters. Yet I feel as though I’m lacking.

How do people do it. Or to quote the famous book and movie “I don’t know how she does it”.

I really don’t. I come from a large family and I’ve no idea how my mum managed to organise our household and lives. I ask her and she says she just did. Because she had to.

My mind is constantly flooded with things I must do, things I should probably do and then of course the things I want to do.

Chloe and Izzy have daily medication, one for reflux and the other for asthma and sometimes it feels like just remembering to do these small things twice a day is crushing me. I have to remember to order their medication before it runs out. Chloe is on a prescription milk as she was losing weight and due to her allergies can’t have any milk I can buy in the supermarket at the moment. They only give me a weeks box at a time. This means remembering every week to re order it from the GP. Then call the pharmacy so that they can order it in. Then arrange to collect it. Then make it up twice a day, store it in the fridge. Check every ingredient in every product we give Chloe TWICE. Try to create a meal plan which is not only dairy free, egg free, wheat and gluten free and soya free but is also fillings, nutritious and tastes good.

Then there is school. Getting Izzy to and from school twice a day, remembering which day ( twice a week) that her library book goes back. Knowing if it’s red day or bring a toy day etc.

Remembering my own doctors/hospital appointments and attending them. Calling hospital departments to chase up Chloe’s op. Trying to get Chloe to sleep. Trying to get Chloe to remain asleep. Trying to get Chloe to eat. Trying to stop her from eating any crumb of anyone else’s food that she sees because it could make her ill.

Trying to spend time with my partner, trying not to lose patience with him and failing. Trying to not be angry with everything. Trying to be grateful for what I have and not for what I don’t.

Trying to sleep. Failing to sleep for more than an hour straight. Getting frustrated. Making lists. Trying to force myself to relax. Trying, trying, trying.

Yesterday I forgot one single dose of my daughters reflux medicine. Not a big deal really. In fact I’m assured it’s no problem at all but when I put her to bed and she gagged and whined. I instantly felt awful for that one missed dose that morning. A dose I missed because I was so focused on worrying about my own appointment that morning.

That afternoon I had to take Izzy to school in non uniform clothes ( it’s not compulsory ) as we had put Chloe to bed in the room where her wardrobe is. Stupid me for not planning. Getting annoyed because I can’t be more organised.

Trying to take advice, to accept help. To relax.

Finding it all hard.

I’m not alone here. I have a supportive partner who does more than his fair share and yet it’s overwhelming.

Who knew being a parent was so hard?

This is without the feelings that go along with everything, the guilt if I don’t give everyone enough attention. The frustration when I make up a meal and it’s not appreciated – the understanding when it clicks that maybe at 3yrs old it’s hard to appreciate how much effort goes into food. How it’s not her fault that her sister is ‘lergic.

Trying not to lean too heavily on my partner in case he falls. Knowing he is there but not putting on pressure. Knowing I should be leaning on him more.

Some days I just don’t know how people do it. I know to some degree we all feel like this and that woman in the schoolyard may be totally different behind closed doors but I wish I didn’t feel so inadequate.

Seems like a good day to remind myself of this quote I read recently in a DIY store..