Why don’t you blog anymore Mam? Izzy has asked me this question more times than I can count over the last few months. It’s a difficult one to answer. The real answer is that when your life feels a mess and your mind feels oh so full then it is incredibly hard to get the words out. Or sometimes harder to contain the words you want to share but perhaps feel you shouldn’t. I try to explain it to her in a way that a 7 year old can process. I tell her that at times it is hard to get the words out of my brain and onto the computer, because my mind is too busy. I tell her that I want to focus as much of my time as possible on her and her sister. I have told her, yes I will blog again, she smiles and says good because you are good at it ( I am her mam after all ) and it means sometimes we get treats and days out. She isn’t daft that wise beautiful girl. She then adds that she thinks writing makes me happy and that I should do a job which makes me happy.
Everything I have told her when she asks is true. My mind is too busy. I do want to focus my time outside work on them.
Yet I know that writing for me has always been its own kind of therapy. As it is for many others I’m sure.
I do consider myself a writer, I mean it’s not my day job but I write, I have written and I guess I will continue to write. Some days it is as natural to me as breathing. The words tumble out one after another, often a ramble, sometimes a little sense and on rare occasions something I am proud of. It is part of me. It always will be. I started as a child writing short stories and as a teen my essays often went on far more than the 1000 word limit we were set. Oh Rebecca, you write well, if only you knew when to stop – an actual quote from my English teacher.
It has been nearly 7 months since I last wrote on here, since I last wrote anything more than a birthday card really. And I miss it. I have missed the tap tap at the computer and the way it feels when you know you are onto something good. The reaction when something you write means something to others, the responses when people tell you that what you wrote resonated.
I don’t know if I have felt like me in every sense for a really long time but I do know that writing is a huge part of me. It’s time to do something about that. Because it is something I can do something about. There are lots of thing in my life which I don’t have control over. This here, my space, my blog, my words. This is me ( ignore The Greatest Showman Tune which is no doubt in your head right now ).
I am not going to apologise for my absence like I have done before, I have needed this time. I am not going to say I will be writing a new post each week because I can’t promise that. But I plan to write. When I want to, when I can. And if people want to read it then great and if not well thats ok too.
Henry Miller: “Writing is its own reward.”