I Don’t Want To Be…

I’m tired of looking ’round rooms
Wondering what I’ve got to do
Or who I’m supposed to be

I know, I know ..I totally just quoted lyrics from a Gavin DeGraw song.

I’ve listened to this song a lot lately, mainly because I’ve become a little obsessed with One Tree Hill – as usual I’m ten years behind everyone else. I’m a little sad tonight because I finished the every final episode of the ninth and final series. I’ve enjoyed watching this show. I’ve found it easy to watch and almost become entwined in the intense friendships on the show. It’s been a distraction. In a place where awful things can and do happen, they carry on. They support each other and they always end up being good, decent people. Yes, even the evil guy of the show somehow ends up redeeming himself and stealing a bit of your heart in his last episode.

I’m sure this is reading much like a long line of waffle about a slightly cheesy American TV show. But. What I’m thinking about is the bit behind the show and in a way especially these lyrics. The song is called ‘I don’t wanna be’ and the lyrics aren’t anything amazingly poetic or outstanding but the bit that gets me EVERY single time I hear it is this – I don’t want to be anything other than me.

Because I don’t. I don’t want to be anything other than me. I don’t want to be famous, super rich ( although slightly would be nice) or supermodel thin. I just want to be me. But not this version of me. I want the old me. The one I loved. This me..well I’m not such a fan of her.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this post or if I’ll even post it but at a time in my life where everything seems uncertain and dark I am hunting for light. I am hunting for the kindness of strangers, the warmth (and stickiness all too often) of my daughters hands, a 30 second interlude where I laugh and forget that I’m sad. Thankful for a family who are like no other..weird almost certainly but wonderful definitely.

You see with medications or exercise or faddy diets we all expect to want to change but I don’t want that. I don’t want to be anyone other than me.

This post wouldn’t have been written today if I hadn’t joined a wonderful group of people in a movement called Embrace Happy – started by Karin Joyce of Cafe Bébé , I was invited by a special lady who writes this wonderful blog – An Organised Mess. – if I’m honest I am not embracing happy quite yet but it’s making me search for three good things in every day. Sometimes this is very hard, I’m hoping it gets easier. Thanks ladies.