Like most people I spent March and April of this year scared that my loved ones or myself would contract Coronavirus. We saw frightening scenes on the news. Heard stories of people dying on ventilators in hospital and it was generally a frightening time for all of us.

Photo by Adam Nieściorukon Unsplash

As time went on and we began to get used to living in this strange new world I began to become less worried for myself and really I only focused on protecting others from getting it. I focused on my general health, worked out more and walked 10-15k steps a day. I felt in pretty good health. 

Life seemed to become more normal, nights out with friends resumed and the kids returned to school. It seemed we all had all learned to live with this pandemic. Cases dropped, the death rate in my area dropped to 0. I returned to my day job. Then slowly at first and then all of a sudden things changed again. Cases began to rise. We had to wear masks in shops, which although was the norm in most of the UK was all new to us in Wales and once again we were asked to stay away from other households. Pubs introduced curfews and restrictions and I realised that the time to be more careful was here. Not just with protecting others but also myself. I stopped going on nights out. The only sense of normality that remained was the gym but even there each machine was wiped before and after use and I always showered at home. I felt like I was doing all the right things. I still worried that my parents would get the virus so contact with them was minimal, no physical contact and only sat outside their home. I didn’t really worry that the virus would affect me if I got it. I thought naively it would be like a really bad cold.

It was at the beginning of October that one day I just couldn’t warm up. Then the next day I was full of cold. My nose was blocked, I felt kind of achy and tired. I stopped visiting my parents even outside just to be cautious. A few days later I had a cough, not a bad one but enough for me to order a home test. At this point I genuinely thought I was being over cautious then I lost my sense of smell and taste. I did really think this was down to my cold because my nose was so blocked. When my test result came back positive I was surprised but not worried. If anything I thought I’d get it out of the way. After all I was in my 30’s, a three times a week gym goer and I walked 15k steps a day. I had no major underlying health conditions and I was a healthy weight. I was sure this would feel like a nasty cold and then I’d be done, immune for a while at least and able to just get on with life. Unfortunately I was wrong.

I’m now nearly 10 weeks since I first developed symptoms, 9 weeks after my positive Covid result and my recovery is slow. Most days I get breathless at least 4 to 5 times, sometimes more. Sometimes it’s from putting washing in the tumble dryer or walking up the stairs. Sometimes it’s when I am sat watching telly and I haven’t even moved. My chest pain is still there every single day, my temperature still fluctuates throughout the days and nights and the joint pain, in particular my legs can be agonising at times. The overall feeling each day is one of extreme fatigue. Every morning I wake feeling almost hungover, groggy and as if I have really overdone it at the gym. I’ve barely seen anyone other than my two children in all of that time. I am very lucky in that my family and friends have helped with doorstep deliveries and helping with school runs as I’m not sure how I’d have coped otherwise. I have seen my GP five times, had blood tests, ECG’s and a chest x ray. I’ve had two strong doses of antibiotics, an asthma inhaler and am now on neurological pain tablets for the joint pain. I’ve taken more painkillers than I’ve ever taken in my life.

Some days I feel really low because it feels never-ending but I am also extremely grateful that this is as bad as it has been. For so many others the outcome is far worse. My recovery may be slow but I am, I think and hope, recovering slowly day by day.

But the real reason I wrote this post is to tell you that covid is very real. It doesn’t only affect the elderly or already sick. It can affect you or your families in exactly the same way as it has hit me. Yes I didn’t end up in hospital and for that I am thankful but it has had a significant impact on my life and will likely continue to do that for quite some time.

Here are the symptoms that I have experienced due to Covid. Read it carefully, be aware and stay safe:

Initial symptoms, day 1-3

Feeling very cold

Cold like symptoms, blocked nose and sinus pain. Lost some sense of smell but not all.

Aches all over. Similar to flu. Even wearing the softest of clothes hurt my skin.

Days 4-7

The cough began, not continuous but it hurt a lot when I coughed

Sore throat

Skin became more sensitive to the touch

Headaches

Days 7-10

My sense of smell completely went and my taste became impacted too.

My chest had begun to hurt a lot, it felt like I’d been kicked directly in the centre of my chest.

I had a temperature. It varied between 37.8 – 38.9 at its worst, this was whilst taking painkillers regularly.

The aches remained but my leg pain became a lot worse. It affected my sleep and I just felt in pain all day long.

Day 11+

The breathlessness began. This was the scariest of all of the symptoms and is still ongoing. Being unable to breathe properly panics you, I’ll never take it for granted again.

All other symptoms remained and other than the sore throat and cough which thankfully has eased and the temperature which is mostly ok they don’t seem to be going anywhere.

If you are in doubt about any symptoms you may have try and get tested, if you cant get tested at least isolate yourself to protect others. Some people won’t be able to beat this. We all have a responsibility to protect each other.

2020. I can imagine in years to come people sat down talking about difficult times and crazy news and saying yeah this may be bad but hey remember 2020? WOW.

Who’d have thought this year would turn out like this? I don’t know about you but I know that on January 1st this year I had a lot of big plans for this year. I was taking control of lots of areas of my life and I had many things I wanted to do. It seems pretty silly to look back and sort of mourn the year that we have almost lost because in the grand scheme of things myself and my family have been very lucky, we haven’t been personally affected really by the pandemic in terms of anyone being seriously ill. But yeah silly as it may sound it does seem that way, we have lost a significant chunk of time, time where we haven’t been able to be close with loved ones and friends and it almost seems as if some areas of life will never be quite the same. Although life is very slowly getting back to some sort of normality, there are still many things we can’t do and I still cannot hug my parents or have dinner at a friends house. I can’t curl up and watch a tv programme with a cup of tea on my parents sofa. Can’t eat inside a restaurant ( at least here in Wales), haven’t been clothes shopping since February, haven’t had a haircut in even longer. In fact for someone who travels so much my life has been contained within 4 miles for 5 months. It’s crazy and still sometimes feels almost surreal, anyone else still wake up some mornings and think woah what an absolutely bonkers dream?

I have learned to appreciate the smaller pleasures a lot more. A daily coffee in the garden where I have got to know all of my regular birds and whilst I often begrudge ordering myself a takeaway I don’t think twice about ordering them 150 fat balls.

I have started growing lots more veggies and herbs at home. and it tastes so much better when you know you grew it!

As a huge indulgence at the beginning of the pandemic I ordered a hot tub for the garden, I say huge indulgence when I actually got a pretty decent deal for £199 and whilst that kind of impulsive purchase is very unlike me it has made the experience a whole lot sweeter. I do some form of daily exercise, because I have the time for it. Sometimes I walk 10-15k steps a day, other days its yoga or stretching but something each day and my body is stronger and healthier as a result. I haven’t taken up a new hobby as such or learned a new language or written a book but I have baked A LOT, I have made major life decisions and I’ve started writing just for pleasure again. Not even pieces I want anyone to read but just writing for me, for the pleasure of it and because sometimes my stupid brain just will not switch off at night. I have worked on my friendships more, making sure to maintain contact when we weren’t able to see each other. I speak to my family more and I have tried where I can to make life easier for those around me, in small ways where possible and thats helped me to keep going.

I will admit there have been times, especially when I have been entirely alone at home on rainy days where I have sat down and had a good cry because for someone who actually loves to be alone I have at times been incredibly lonely. For normally being alone is a choice you make, these last few months that has been forced on me occasionally and it is an eye opener. I realised that although I am not someone who needs company all the time that I should seek it out more often and be more social when the opportunity allows it.

I guess this is just a bit of a ramble but I haven’t posted much lately and thought you may enjoy a little of what is going on in my life. I’ve got some exciting stuff to share with you soon I promise.

I’ll end with this, whilst this year has been hard on most of us I am thankful that my friends and family are for the most part happy and healthy. We all have managed to keep our jobs and yes we have seen the effect of this awful virus through members of the family who work for the NHS and through the news but we are all ok. I am thankful for that in more ways than I can say. I hope this time hasn’t been too difficult for you and yours. Feel free to say hey on my social channels, I do like to catch up with you all!

Don’t be fooled into thinking this is going to be one of those posts you’ve seen online about how everyone should be walking away from the lockdown with a new skill or a novel completed. That may be you, it is definitely not me.

However like most of you there are things that I am learning about myself, about the world and ultimately more about what I want and more importantly need.

I am learning to be more patient. I guess now is the time for that hey? I must admit that the first month or so of the pandemic brought me more than I expected in terms of stress and my patience was tested and smashed to pieces on more than one occasion. I wish that hadn’t happened. But it’s done and forward is the only way you can move otherwise you are just stuck in the same place. I am more patient now with others, especially my children who whilst wonderful and loving can of course be testing when there is so much time just stuck within the confines of our home. I am trying really hard to teach them the importance of patience with each other so it is kind of essential that I at least try to display that behaviour myself as much as I can. I am more patient with friends and family, yeah it took you 3 days to reply but it’s ok, sometimes thats the same for me too. We may have more actual time but I don’t know about you my brain doesn’t seem to have quite latched onto that and feels more busy than ever. Yep sometimes I read and pop my phone aside then absolutely forget to reply. I feel bad but we all do it. I am more patient with myself. I have stopped beating myself up about not getting everything done that I meant to do. My baking posts traffic went a bit wild at the beginning of lockdown and my brain told me to go promote all of those posts and create as many new recipes as possible but my heart wasn’t in. So I didn’t do it. Some days we get all the kids schoolwork done, some days we don’t and maybe we have a cooking lesson or a crafts lesson – also known as making cakes and drawing rainbows. That’s ok. I am not superhuman. None of us are.

It’s important to sit back sometimes and tell yourself this, we are living through unexpected ( I couldn’t bring myself to use unprecedented) times. It is a complete unknown. We will all be missing something or someone. Some days it is unbearably hard. Give yourself a break. If you are telling yourself each day that you aren’t doing enough or it’s not good enough – stop that now. If you are managing to keep yourself and your family reasonably calm and happy and fed and watered that is enough. You don’t need to read 100 books or master sourdough and you really don’t need to do Joe Wicks each day – although occasionally it’s quite fun.

I am learning to value the simplicity of life. A great cup of tea, the hugs the girls give me first thing. Making my parents laugh on a video call. The satisfaction of an online order arriving in full. Doing something small to brighten someones day. Supporting my friends and family when they need it. Appreciating good weather and yet still enjoying the rain when it comes. The chat you have from a distance with someone passing the house, the one you know brightens their day. Stopping to chat to people in gardens as you do the same walk each day, seeing their faces light up when they see the kids. Knowing you may have been their first human contact that day.

I am learning about what I need to be happy. And its surprisingly pretty simple. My needs aren’t lengthy or crazily imaginative. I need the girls to be happy and healthy. I need them to feel secure and I need to have enough money to be able to feed, cloth and provide them with a safe home. They don’t need super expensive clothes or an X Box or luxury food and neither do I. I need my family to be healthy and happy too. My parents who I have always valued have made my life so much easier on us than it could have been in many ways. They support me in everything I need and I know that whatever I asked of them they would try to help. So of course in this time when they need my help a little more with online shopping or googling meat/veg deliveries then I want to make it easier for them. I need my siblings who I am close to and spend a considerable amount of my social time with normally. I need them to be ok and I need to be able to see them. And I need my good friends who I know I can message or call whenever, I need to be able to talk to them, even if we cant meet up for a chat and a meal right now.

I don’t need the pub or the cinema or dates. I don’t need a holiday or to be able to go to the gym. I don’t need to go to a festival or a concert. I don’t need lots of clothes or expensive make up. Or an electric scooter. Which has been in a shopping basket of mine on several occasions lately – I don’t need one. Don’t. HA.

I want life back to normal but more than that I want the people I love in it and if that means life can’t be normal for a long time then so be it. It sucks. It really does but if six months of being the only grown up in my home and no hugs from another adult ends up with being able to spend time afterwards with all of my loved ones who are healthy then I can do it. I am stronger than I know. And so are you.

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. A A Milne

I have stopped and started writing a blog post for the last month because nothing I said seemed quite right. I didn’t feel I could simply write about what I am eating or watching because it all seemed too frivolous. Yet I realise now that frivolity and distraction is what a lot of us need so I am hoping to get back into the swing of writing about everyday things and maybe one or two recipes too.

My life along with all of yours has changed drastically over the last 6 – 7 weeks and I never imagined living through something like this. I think a lot of you will agree that this period is mentally draining and at many times incredibly sad. I have also felt an ever increasing feeling of uselessness. Ordinarily if our country was in a major crisis we could all go and do our bit to help, if there were hungry we could feed them or lonely go and visit but the risks of this virus to certain members of my family means that I haven’t been able to volunteer for any local projects and even my day job is currently on hold. I have kept busy with trying to do little bits here and there such as online shopping for members of my family and also parenting my two amazing yet busy daughters. I miss my parents and siblings who I am very close to, I miss my friends too and there are times when the worry of anything happening to loved ones becomes too much to think about. Being close to your family is wonderful but also scary because the thought of losing them is so unbearable. And the fact that there are so many of us ( I am one of ten children) can at times feel like there is always someone to worry about or consider. Within my large family we have a few at risk ( not shielded) members, one heavily pregnant and another two who are NHS key workers and I would be lying if I said I had no fears about Covid19. Aside from Coronavirus there are other major health worries within the family and frustratingly none of us are able to help one another out in the ways we normally would.

As with many others there are aspects of life in lockdown which I would like to continue when it ends. More time focused on communicating with family, more time focused on simple things. More time in the garden listening to the birds, examining the shapes in the clouds. Less needless shopping for clothes and materialistic products ( although I admit even I had a moment where I googled hot tub prices – then laughed and closed the browser). Focusing on daily outdoor exercise. Cooking from scratch more. Making sure to use up leftovers. Considering the needs of others more.

I don’t really miss going to the pub or restaurants although cooking every meal and cleaning up after each one doesn’t always exactly spark joy! I don’t really miss my day job although occasionally I miss having more adult conversation and I don’t even miss the socialising aspect as much as I imagined.

I do miss my close friends and family but we are maintaining contact in lots of ways.

But the biggest thing I miss most right now is being able to give my parents a hug. I have always appreciated my parents but never more so than right in this moment, I can’t think of anyone with a bad word to say about them and I am aware that I was so very lucky to be born to two generous, selfless and loving people. They make my days better and fill my heart with joy and love. The relationship they have with my children is wonderful to see and I am thankful we live within walking distance so that we can call up and check in on them ( from a safe distance in the garden ). We always spend a lot of time together but I’ll ensure it will be even more so after this difficult time is over.

If there is one thing this pandemic will have taught us as all I believe it is what really matters to us and who really matters to us. Material goods and money in the bank whilst nice don’t mean much when peoples lives and health are in doubt and at risk.

I hope you are ok, whoever and wherever you are reading this. I hope this virus hasn’t taken anyone close to you and I hope you are finding this time bearable. You can always pop me an email via the blog or a message on my social channels if you need someone to offload or rant to, I’m a good listener.

Stay safe, stay home. Protect not just the NHS but everyone. Stay away from loved ones and wait for when this is over and we can have that big joyous gathering so that nobody is missing from it.

Love to you all.